Love the labels

In case you haven't already figured it out, Bernie saves all types of containers for reuse later (amusing examples here and here). The tick I saved for further entomological study after trying to care for Bernie's garden was switched to a former hummus container and accompanying Bernie masking tape label upon Bernie and Cher's return to the States.

Micromanaging from France!

While this extendend note is typed, the tone certainly stays the same. My favorite part? The trading off between Bernie and Cher during the course of writing this "note." My breakdown below:

Part 1: Definitely Cher (possibly with the exception of the last paragraph regarding appliances). WHY DID YOU STOP THE GAZETTE? What am I going to do? The Letters to the Editor and Op/Ed page just don't translate in the same way online! I have been rationing last week's Amherst Bulletin police reports to get through you needlessly taking away my reading material. Also mom? I don't understand the part about the candles. I hate candles. Candles = clutter. We never burn candles. I haven't burned a candle since I was like 16.

Part 2: Definitely Bernie. After finding blood smears and feathers all over the garage I started locking that sh*t cat out at night if he wouldn't come in. And screw leaving the garage even a little bit open after the Republican Boyfriend's car was broken into on Sunday night. (Sidenote: Really people? REALLY? THIS IS LIKE THE QUIETEST STREET IN AMHERST. I hope they enjoy his hands-free cell phone thing.)

Oh, and the part about the plants. Here are pics of the "five large buckets." Notice the rocks and plywood. I'm not going to lie. I haven't been out there watering anything because I figured the torrential downpours would have taken care of it. And when I went out there to empty Bernie's compost bucket I came back with some tick issues. I moved the sunflowers to the basement as directed. I better go check on those.

Part 3: Definitely Bernie for the most part (the window cleaning and Grandma stuff is All Cher All The Time). I'm glad Bernie informed me that Scott from Plant and Soil may be using our hose. I mean, I may have had to fight him for it.

Battles between Bernie and Cher

Sometimes, to get Cher off his back, Bernie will post a note with the primary purpose of providing a regular update of his progress on said Cher-prioritized projects. He has yet to fix the lounge chair.

My favorite? "String for sweatpants." Drain treatment also referred to some eco-friendly device he got at the hardware store (we don't use Drano here). Use the garbage disposal in our house around Bernie and fear for your life.*

*It is important to mention that this craziness was recently justified by the Amherst DPW's 2007 water quality report's section on fighting the "grease monster:"

80% of sewer line blockages are caused by FOG (fats, oil and grease) poured down the drain. Grease from cooking can be stored in a can in the refrigerator and thrown in the trash when full. Throw food waste in the trash or compost, not down the drain.

Score: 0 Grease Monster, 1 Bernie

Puffy paint sweatshirts

And you thought I was lying about this. ELM made this with her friend JB at like age 8 or something. I think ELM originally made them for herself to wear (?) but I will have to ask her about that. Bernie has one in blue too and both are favorite Yard Work Outfits along with running pants that are duck-taped together. ELM even puffy-painted her name on the collar.

Forays into Bernie's basement

Today I was going to post about the Bernie (typed) note he left for me and EAM to guide our way while my parents are in Le France. But what I found five minutes later was way better. As I went into the basement to 1.) Feed Los Cocos, and 2.) Water Bernie's "sunflower seed experiment" that I had to bring inside to escape the torrential downpours, I found the milk containers.

HAHAHAHAHA. If you don't know my family, Bernie reuses milk containers to water plants and reformat into bins to hold (reusable) ziploc bags of all sizes as well as tinfoil that is washed and reused. However, I did not know that he also used them as measuring implements. I have NO IDEA what "pipe shield" or "cloroben" means. It could be related to his fertilizing experiments or something car related. And no, I haven't googled it yet.

I mean, hellooo? We have measuring cups IN THE KITCHEN.

Underlines and exclamation marks

I mean really.

I like the exclamation mark. My mother was seriously thinking of leaving this car in Springfield with the keys in the ignition in hopes of someone stealing it.

The Honda Sequel

I wish I could get my hands on the note he left for the Honda dealership in Northampton. In any case, if you look closely under instruction #2, the word "be" is cut from yellow paper and taped over a Bernie Typo on the original note. I LOVE HIM.

Oil changes and car inspections

The minute Bernie started enthusiastically drawing this during our conversation over where to get the car inspected, I started laughing and ran to grab my camera. The car inspection place mapped out here was in a barn. Literally. I appreciate the special break Bernie drew in to note the presence of a bridge.

Happy Father's Day Bernie!

I love notes that instruct me about what exactly to do with lettuce.

So I'm not exactly a fan of holidays that I consider to be manufactured obligations, however, Bernie deserves a reward for all of the notes he leaves us. As a Chicago native, I ordered him pizzas from Gino's East (now an unfortunate tourist trap and not the hole-in-the-wall he fondly remembers, but the pizza's still good). He especially deserved it after he discovered Coco's killing lair under the garage stairs. We're talking animals so badly decomposed and crawling with larvae, you're not sure what type of animals they actually were. In any case, the foster cat is making the case harder for why he should stay.

Despite his adamance that Coco go, I am thankful for Bernie for the following:

• Bernie's notes
• Fixing ours (and Coco's) screw-ups/messes
• Paying our school loans
• Wearing sweatshirts decorated with puffy paint designs ELM made him when she was 8
• Getting me through fixed effects and two stage least squares regressions
• Not making me pay rent
• Having a pull-up bar behind our house
• Being an old-school diehard Cubs fan
• Pretending not to like Veronica Mars/SATC/One Tree Hill/Grey's Anatomy when someone is watching it on the DVD machine
• Turning up Guns N' Roses when he thinks no one's around

EAM and the mastercard

I still do not understand why EAM does not get her own credit card. I mean, for serious, he flipped his sh*t when as a 15 year old, I racked up $65 on his phone card while I was at ballet camp (this was pre-everyone-had-a-cell-phone; word up Boston Ballet SDP '96, '97, '98!). This means Bernie writes EAM monthly notes like these on notepads from 1978.

Coffee coffee

The Key To Getting EAM's Attention is generally anything coffee related or the coffee machine itself. Bernie realized coffee-machine-note-placement would guarantee an audience where EAM's bedroom door may not. (Sidenote: It is SO appropriate that ELM's new life vocation is as a coffee barista in Seattle. I'm sure Bernie is thrilled about that everytime he writes a student loan check.)

Back on topic, before we got rid of this horrible volvo that is the subject of the above note, Bernie would obsessively check the oil (as if that was the problem) and would therefore mess around with the hood latch. As a result, the stupid thing would not close. Cher had an ingenious idea where she "suggested" that Bernie tell EAM to go by Ren's to check the oil--if the hood would not close, Ren could then fix it! Score: Cher 1, Bernie sill clueless.

Popcorn time

The Good News:
The hippie farm where Cher has a farm share has reopened (Cher has a farm share HAHAHAHA). I. LOVE. THAT. PLACE. Plus, it is full of Amherst Mom Outfits. I love the sandbox for the kids, the roaming chickens and pigs, and the freezer of popsicles. The Republican Boyfriend even likes it and he has turned into a very good produce-picker which makes up for his complete and utter confusion over farm stands and the fact that people just leave their money in a can by the side of the road if they buy something.

The Bad News:
EAM's foray into popcorn-making did not go as planned earlier this week which unfortunately resulted in some scorching. However, it also resulted in this latest Bernie Note which is a win-win for all mankind.

Bernie and the thermostat

Bernie has won the Battle of the Thermostat (with the exception of EAM) . . . I am used to wearing two (or more) pairs of socks, a bunch of shirts, really ugly slippers, fleece pants, and the obligatory sweatshirt and/or fleece to top everything off. Then I read blogs about the demise of Women Dressing to Impress in favor of some hottt velour track suits and am like, "come live in my house in January." If I want to make EAM laugh, I put on my Amherst Mom outfit that consists of cut-off sweatpants, a turtleneck, clogs (DANSKO ONLY) and printed socks, and a totally in-style fleece hat and/or fleece vest.

The Honda

There should be an entire blog devoted to notes about the Honda and how to get places with it, replete with driving instructions detailing the mile by mile trip.

Car gods

This past year has been Constant Car Dramaz. Bernie complains because he runs everywhere, doesn't even drive them, AND then has to coordinate all of the fixing.

It gets even better

Nothing surprises me with him anymore: the fact that he keeps oil records from three years ago, the fact that he lectures us on where hot water comes from and who pays for it, or the fact that he includes sub-bullet points instructing me and EAM on how to use hot water "judiciously." I mean, FOR SERIOUS.

Exam time

Bernie's class calendar and exam process is an art form. Check out "Bernie's note to himself."

Happy Birthday ELM!

Happy 23 Emma! This one's for you.